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January 14th, 2009
12:36 am
I used to think a lot... I used to feel a lot. I'm beginning to think Ben was right... this place stole my soul. And they've stolen my heart. And my mind has been filled with... nothing. I wish I had the words and I wish the release of the words would make it feel better. I need to feel something wonderful, not physical. I lack understanding and truth...
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May 31st, 2007
11:13 am
It is ever increasingly surprising to me. I don't really even know what to say about it. Like. Lust. Love. Lose.
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May 15th, 2007
11:11 pm
I am content. Sitting in my room listening to the pod on shuffle by myself... and it's the first time I've been content by myself in a very very long time. I'm content with the way things are with R... no more hatred, no more passionate desire... thank you for teaching me the value of apathy. I dread the day when I start caring again.
I like having a stuffed animal from 4th grade... it's nice to know some things stick around. :)
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May 8th, 2007
04:27 pm - I really do love horoscopes.
This rut went from feeling safe to dull, and now you're ready to take a leap into the unknown. Being open to the unexpected catapults you far from where you started. It's bumpy, it's exhilarating -- and you'll love it.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/happy.gif) excited
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May 3rd, 2007
11:57 pm
Is there something in the air? The water? A delay.
I don't want to be forgotten.
There's always a bittersweet conclusion.
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March 6th, 2007
04:54 pm
I don't actually have time to be writing this, studying should definitely be taking priority. However I can't stop wondering what the obsession is with finding love and being in love. Why can't people just be happy by themselves? Why do we need others to make us feel complete? I mean yeah it feels great to be in love and it is wonderful to have someone that you can trust completely and confide in, but why when that isn't what we have, do we settle for something else that potentially makes us unhappy? I don't want to settle for a guy who doesn't make my head spin, or who I wouldn't be perfectly content being with for the rest of my life. I don't understand why so many people do. Is it the need for attention from the opposite sex (or same sex if you prefer)? Is it just because they don't want to be alone, and being with someone is better than being with no one? Hm... I just don't know.
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January 28th, 2007
01:07 am
I find myself wondering what happened to the girl that I used to be, I don't really know that she exists anymore, or if she does, she is somewhere deep in hiding. The girl that was an extreme optimist. Who hardly ever doubted the way things were and who knew that everything was going to work out eventually. I'm so unsure. I forget so much. My patience is limited. I'm still surviving and I'm still happy, I just don't feel like I'm as happy as I once was. And maybe it's just one of those things... like most girl's opinions of their own bodies. I look back at photos from a few years ago and think, man, I was really in shape then, I wish I could look like that now... and yet I know that even at that time when I was in shape I still wasn't satisfied with how I looked. Looking back things seem sweeter. I guess it's because mostly you try to remember only the good and forget the bad.
I'm scared that I'll never figure out where I really want to go in life. I don't just want to pick the lesser of the evils, I want something extraordinaryly good. I'm lonely. There is no one. There are no feelings. I'm beginning to think that what I've been holding onto should be let go. Apparently, I've always been portrayed as taken. And maybe I have been. And somehow or another, that needs to change.
I want to paint my own universe...
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/cold.gif) cold
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January 8th, 2007
12:15 am
I want to know if it was worth it? If it will be worth it? Is it worth continuing? Am I capable of leaving it behind? Are you capable of doing what's necessary?
I need to do a full rant and rave, write all my thoughts, try and express all my emotions, provide a way to remember exactly what is going on... but I'm so dizzy I can barely function (what a terrible side effect of my pain and confrontation) And once I find stable ground I have to take off running... but in a direction so far off this course.
Current Music: Sufjan Stevens
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December 31st, 2006
07:34 pm
This year is finally ending and it is in fact the perfect end to a perfectly terrible year. Who are you suppose to trust if your best friend lies to you? Who are you suppose to love if the person you love continually breaks your heart? Whatever... I just hope this upcoming year is better than the last.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/sad.gif) crushed
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December 13th, 2006
03:42 am
I can't even begin to count the times you've crossed my journal. I don't want to recall when things were good. The person that I was drastically changed when I met you. I can't change the way things have been. I don't know how things will turn out. You're still unattainable and I should have follow my instincts from the beginning. Seemingly, too much has been invested. I don't know how but I'm surviving without you... I'm living for me and i hope one day you'll realized that i'm not worth the fight because I don't want you to fight for me. Fight for you. You don't fight yourself for me, I'm not fighting myself for you any longer.
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October 31st, 2006
12:43 am
Sometimes it just hurts. How can one person be so foolish and naive. How can another person be so unfair and hurtful.
To all the things I could have done to make things differently: Screw you!
To all the possibilities that are now available: I'm trying my hardest to remember you're there and accept you with an open mind.
I just hate this... so much more than I thought was even possible.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/depressed.gif) depressed
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October 26th, 2006
01:24 pm - Because you know how much I love you
The whole world just needs to know that this girl is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. My life would be incomplete without her. My magical lab parter... we helped make morphine injections today... that was fun!
Current Mood: cold
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August 8th, 2006
05:03 pm
I feel ill, broken, and empty. Anxiety attacks in the middle of walmart for no apparent reason. Maybe it's because walmart is too big. Athens tonight. Back to packing.
Sorry for assisting in the invasion of privacy... be it the unspoken obligation of sisterhood or simply the fact that she can beat the hell out of me, I can't turn her down.
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July 14th, 2006
11:07 pm
Classes begin again in a month and 2 days... how intense... where the hell did summer go? I know where summer went and I can't say I'm sad to see it go. Already I feel like I'm going to look back and sigh about the Summer of '06.
Wake up, eat, take a nap, wake up, eat, go to bed, repeat. <-- that's how I plan on spending the rest of my summer. Actually, a relaxing week at Black Lake New York begins Tuesday. Return on the 26th and move in the 1st.
I had intended writing about deep emotional stuff... intentions are worth nothing.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/lazyrelaxed.gif) apathetic
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July 2nd, 2006
12:25 am
when do you decide that you've had enough? when is it just too much? Do you linger around and contemplate and pretend like everything is going to be fine? Do you say forget it? Do you do everything in your power to revive it? What do you do when you don't know what you want? When all of your options are incomplete? Every day I wake up feeling empty inside... I know that there is an entire world of options open to me... I know that only I can make it better... I just honestly don't know how. All things pass eventually and this will too...
Current Mood: sad
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June 21st, 2006
03:06 am
There are times in life when I honestly can't believe that the things that are happening to me are actually happening. Times when the events that occur are things you could only imagine happening in the movies... but alas... this is my life... no projectors, no screens. The actors are on stage, there are no scripts on hand, and no one knows what will happen next.
I continually find myself asking two questions: What's the point/purpose? What am I suppose to do? I apply them to everything... life in general. Turns out the pessimist in me believes there is no point... so the what am i suppose to do... the action... what action do you take when you have no reason? The optimist believes the point is to be happy/satisfied. Actions in this case are limitless... perhaps moderately Machivellian (apologies on having no idea how to spell it, nor the desire to look it up) the end justifies the means. Pessimist peeps in on the optimist knowing that ultimately if you're happy and satisfied there will always be a time that follows soon there after where you are unhappy. Blah Blah Blah... yes I realize I'm talking obvious bull shit.. but sometimes that's what you have to do in order to keep your mind off things you don't feel like focusing on.
Whatever happens... happens. I'll let things run their course. I remain a skeptic of words... Hopefully I can avoid becoming a skeptic of actions. Humans are so easily fooled.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/confused.gif) confused
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May 25th, 2006
03:56 am
Oh Rene... be smart.
Current Mood: ecstatic
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May 11th, 2006
12:34 am
I simply don't know what to do with myself. With you = miserable. Without you = miserable. All hopes and dreams obliterated. I don't know how to be, or how to act, or how I really am. Sucks. Completely and totally sucks.
I don't know how I feel about Ben Stiller. "I knew that without you, my life would never ever be good again"
Advice from my x-boyfriend's mother... Have a summer fling. Nick's little girl looks so much like him.
There's nothing left for me in Marietta. I can't wait for August 1st. Never have I so quickly and desperately wanted summer to end. I feel like I'm dying inside and I just don't understand.
Anyone have someone I can fall in love with??
Current Mood: depressed
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May 1st, 2006
11:23 pm
The end is drawing near. Or the end of the beginning. Or just another transition. Whatever, no more dorm life is really what I care about. That and no more history. Thursday at 11 am I will be a very (sleepy considering the final starts at 8) happy person because I will have just completed my last essay for history (hopefully ever).
Sometimes it's really hard to make situations better. Sometimes too much stress makes you rather quite ill. I hate it when people are apathetic towards me, especially when I'm used to them caring.
I have this terrible feeling that part of my life is going to fall apart in these next 4-5 days.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/angry.gif) aggravated
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March 28th, 2006
11:05 pm
When every conversation begins with "the other day *insert name* and i were..." i feel really sorry for the person who has to listen to that conversation.
Supposedly if you do something every day for 40 days straight (or some number around there) it becomes habit. 4 days down. 36 more to go.
I want everything to be okay. I want someone to tell me how to write this stupid history paper. Retarded topics.
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crzyne131's journal